What I’ve learned about parenthood: first 2 months

How little sleep you actually need to function. When we first brought Ben home, I was getting no sleep because he hated being in a crib. I would be constantly running on only a couple hours of sleep. Now that he’s sleeping with me at night, and sleeping for longer stretches of time, I can usually get 5+ hours a night, which is great now that I’m back to working full-time and doing grad school. But regardless, it’s truly amazing how little sleep you can survive on.

How many different colored fluids can come out of the human body. White puke. Greyish snot. Mustard-y orangish poop. Slightly yellow breastmilk. Plus the clear tears and yellowish pee. And pinkish pee when dehydrated.

How annoying and baby-crazy people are. I was changing Ben’s diaper in the bathroom of Sams and woman after woman flocked to my naked, crying son to ask about his age, admire his cuteness, and utter indistinguishable gibberish. Now I know Ben is scrumptious and adorable, but stop staring at his pecker! Have people really not seen a baby before? Thanks for the compliments, but chill out a little peeps.

How much a childbearing woman is like a cow. During pregnancy you’re fat, like a cow. During childbirth, I was confined to my bed, like a cow raised on a factory farm limited to a small patch of land, and shot up with numerous drugs. After birth, when I’m not feeding Ben, I’m hooked up to a breast pump – I’m a milk machine, like a cow.

How to really multitask. Have you ever breastfed, trimmed baby’s nails, and ate dinner, at the same time? Or sang to and held a crying baby while loading the dishwasher? Or pumped breast milk and wrote a blog post?


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